The relationship of friendship with (sexual) benefits has become increasingly popular today.Here’s an example of that kind of friendship.
I am a 36-year-old married woman and have two kids. My husband has been living abroad since past eight years and because of that, my kids and I have grown emotionally distant from him. We meet each other once in four or five months, that too only for a few days. Since kids have never lived with him, they are not very fond of him and are not even comfortable staying with him under the same roof. With time, even I have started feeling this disconnect. We have nothing to talk about and I don’t remember the last time we had sex. Also, he never makes an effort to bring back the spark in our relationship.
Unfortunately, I have found a friend and lover in my office colleague. He is also married and we like each other. What should I do now? Should I try to focus on my married life or stay happy in the present situation? -By Anonymous
Response by Rachana Awatramani( A Counselling Psychologist in Mumbai) : It is said that marriage is a union of two individuals. I would say that it is an investment of time, money and emotions. Two people need to be willing to commit and work towards this relationship to make it work. Each relationship differs in terms of the rapport shared between two people and the way the couple shares their responsibilities.
I comprehend that your husband is living abroad from past eight years and there is disconnect that you and your children feel with him due to the distance. I understand that there are intimacy and companionship needs that are not getting fulfilled in your marriage. Long distance relationship has its own challenges. It can be difficult to cope with the difficulties and your emotions in this situation.
You mentioned that you have found a friend and lover in your colleague and he is married. There is no harm in finding a friend in a colleague. The challenges will arise in any situation, whether you decide to work on your marriage or continue the relationship with your colleague. The question is what you actually want and whether are you comfortable in dealing with the challenges, the consequences and the emotional battle of the situation and person you choose.
You can sit and reflect on your values, your choices and prepare yourself for the consequences. You can also meet a professional counsellor for guidance.
You can express your emotions and feelings to your husband and mutually decide on how you would like to take this relationship further. At the end, it is your life and you will be facing some or other challenges in either of the situations. Therefore, I would suggest you to make the choice based on what you are comfortable and ready to deal with.
